A pregnant woman lapses into a coma. I thought I was doing great. Chris Rock is debuting a brand new comedy special on Netflix this weekend. The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! I used to work on an assembly line making pregnancy pamphlets, but I quit. Masha: Dad bought a great coffee maker, and we drink great coffee every day. Pregnant girl. What are your favorite dark humor jokes to tell? Wife:No you're not. Me, on the phone: Ok thank you. Ever since Ive been pregnant, I havent been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Such is life! The pregnant wife said to her husband: I hope you dont want to attend the birth? Are you growing a human? Abortion isn't murder. These funny pregnancy jokes will help you pass the time and maybe even get your baby moving. Then girl replies: It will be funny for you, but I really dont know. Man, there is a pregnant woman in front of you, please give her a seat. Then he replies: I would like it if it does not affect your figure, a bicycle. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough. He's an idiot! My husband left a note on the fridge that said, "This isn't working." Ten minutes of peace and quiet. I want to meet my biological parents!". Other one asks: So how was it? He told me that Im pregnant. Say what you will about pedophiles. Confucius say: Woman who wear G-string, high on crack! What's red and bad for your teeth? Funny Quotes and Sayings I was shocked when I found out my toaster was not waterproof. "What did he say?" When did you realise that you were ready to become a father? A woman on a bed, a man on a sofa. Where do you work?" He replied: Well, what are you. 84. "Hmmmm. Before pregnancy, I slept on my stomach! 70. If your babys ugly, do you want me to tell you? 91. Problem solved. I said "no way", don't want her getting pregnant again. How do you know if kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? We hope you enjoyed our list of pregnant women jokesas much as we did putting it together. Why? in the end I chose Juan Carlos and took the first flight to Spain. Pregnant Wife: "My husband told me to put the Oreos somewhere I couldn't reach them. Are you crying alone in your car, listening to a stupid Bette Midler song? Those little things that you know you shouldnt like or do, but do anyway. Go figure. Watch our huge library of the best stand-up comedy videos, get information on our stand-up comedians, read our joke of the day, and buy tickets to live shows at our comedy clubs. In case youre looking to lighten your spouses mood and make her feel a bit better, here are some greatmaternity jokesthat will help you in times of need. 8. 1. You delivered a boy and a girl!" Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. The wrong number dialled. Did we get a rise out of you with any of our offensive jokes? Not a word. Dark jokes have been traced back as far as Ancient Greece. After that, she replies: Yeah, so its you? You dont need to be British to understand or tell these jokes, but it does help. The way a joke is told is not to offend but rather to diffuse, to trivialize the overwhelmingly negative, and make it just that little more bearable. 15 Pregnancy Cravings. After two years, I saw her with the same belly. (b) Thats it, youre done! Drinking Im pregnant with my husband. Are you still holding the ladder?. When things get too hard or you seem like you are feeling down, be sure to go through our list. Seth MacFarlane and his writers have welcomed all kinds of controversy with shocking jokes about death, abortion, incest, drunk driving, Michael J. "I'm not mad, just disappointed." Husband: It's none of your business. I inquired. The information on this website is of a general nature and available for educational purposes only and What did he name the boy? "Sea-section" How about you reincarnate as my child?" 77 dark humor jokes one liners. What part of biology class do pregnant women fear? "That's why I need to be extra careful.". She tried to call the cops and got shot in the stomach three times. How do you know kidney stones are worse than pregnancy? When he asked them who the best composer was, they all replied, "Bach, Bach, Bach.". What do a pregnant woman and a burned cake have in common? They're fine," he says. Ans: Exercising while pregnant is like eating kale. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Why dont skeletons ever go trick or treating? Whats the special dish in a restaurant for cannibals? What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth? Tips to Avoid Stress During Pregnancy, 75 Pregnancy Jokes That Are Great Stress Relievers. Then she asked: Giving birth? Take your wife, hire a young secretary and go on a trip for two to three months. Maybe the condom broke? A cop sees an older woman carrying two large sacks. Inspiring Quotes About Life New Mother: "Well, that's not so bad. He never missed a shot. Daddy, there is a man at the door. In our house, we like to use it as a chance to air our worries and fears and talk about things that are bothering us. Husband: I'll be like Jesus. The British have a very unique sense of humor. What about the boy? "I'm not ready, I just told you that I'm dad.". As your body changes, it can be a wild ride for everyone, filled with unforgettable moments you may look back on and laugh at. I heard Sony is coming out with a new video game console to help us get through the pandemic. Ans: If the baby can hear everything then its first words are definitely going to be an expletive. Theyve invented a curved pregnancy test, so you dont pee on your hand. Is there any reason for a husband to be in the delivery room while his wife is in labor? "Dad, my girlfriend's pregnant." Husband: Are you sure? Then she asked crying: Stop! Often because their discussion is commonly a cause of offense. "Hi disappointed, I'm dad" A Lion suddenly jumped in front of him. Travel and Backpacker They laughed at my crayon drawing. That must be it. I was eating like a box a day of Entenmanns donuts. Tina Fey, Being pregnant is kind of like a sedative everythings just chill. Jessica Alba, My doctor the other day was like, I think maybe pull back a little bit. I was like, Really? The woman exclaims. But, I find going through the ribcage a lot easier. 76. A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, Im sorry, but you only have ten left.. 64. Then he replied: Well, okay. It's just canceling your pre-order. Ans: Yes doctor, I think shes ready to have the baby, her contradictions are only 30 seconds apart. A wife shouts at a young servant: What, Ann, I see you are pregnant! 2. On the bright side, all your snacks are family sized. What's the last thing to go through a fly's head as it hits the windshield of a car going 80 mph? Mommy Poppins, Why dont you try squeezing something the size of a watermelon out of an opening the size of a lemon and see how hot YOU look? Look Whos Talking (1989), Im 10 days late. And theres no way you could have had it and just not noticed? Nine Months (1995). Dark Humor Jokes. Again, we wont be delving into specifics, but from the base level, that makes sense. When a girl gets pregnant, a guy leaves town. Each month has an average of 30 to 31 days, except the last month of pregnancy, which has 5,489,234. My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, Youll be next! They soon stopped, though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals. Europe 45. In other words, these are a mild to moderate offense level. 32. 2. daddy did you give mummy a baby ? How long does the average woman be in labor? My wife told me she's sick of me pushing her around and talking behind her back. So Im assuming my plan is to get it out. 75. For as long as comedy has existed, people have laughed at misfortune. The old man said, That's stupid! I have a fish that can breakdance! "Bro, I really miss you. Mom, Im pregnant. Were there difficult questions? You know youre getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose. A deliberate simplicity and a directness that cuts that much shaper, yet at the same time, more entertaining. The first sonogram pic is like a tourist pic of the Leaning Tower of Pisa. 2023 thecoolist.com - All Rights Reserved, TheCoolist.com is operated by Bon Ventures SRL, a registered company in Romania (Company No. Yes, but youll have an even better chance if he wears nothing at all. "Pure logic," the bartender replies. What part of biology class do pregnant women fear? A lady almost 9 months pregnant falls down some stairs and knocks herself out. Riddles It's dark because there's no light. Dark humor jokes are like an uncle with Tourettes; everybody wishes they had one, but when you do, youre not really allowed to talk about it. On a train: "Madam, could you please tell your son to stop imitating me, it's very annoying!". Then the doctor replied: During the first trimester, you can do it in a regular style. So after a good number of years on this planet, why not make sure you go out with a smile. Aarohi Achwal holds a bachelors degree in Commerce and a masters degree in English Literature. SUBSCRIBE for weekly NEW Episodes! "Dad, my girlfriend is pregnant" 93. My childbirth instructor said its not pain Ill feel during labor, but pressure. 18. He: About what child? Can orphans eat at a family restaurant? Surprised husband asked: Dear! Not my brother. The journey of childbirth is filled with a range of emotions and physical exertion. When jokes go too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke become inappropriate. 27. Shes got a construction zone going on in her belly. Al Roker, Stop saying, Were pregnant. Youre not pregnant! Last night I accidentally told my son he was an unplanned pregnancy. I said, "Well, you are in a wheelchair.". 48. 31. She asked what I wanted to name the second one. When my Uncle Frank died, he wanted his cremations to be buried in his favorite beer mug. One is a superhero and the other is a simple command. They picked tacos. The bullet must have been shot by another person. *later at dinner* There is more to having a dark sense of humor than being a member of the Addams Family. Bye. Whats the last thing to go through a flys head as it hits the windshield of a car going 70 miles per hour? At a pharmacy: Please, a pregnancy test. Workplace. Doctor: Denephew. Its time to take a look at the reason youre all here reading this post. Whats the hardest part of a vegetable to eat? But donate five, and suddenly everyone is yelling. Wife: Whose is it? If April showers bring in May flowers, what do May flowers bring? eructs the woman. 58. What did the woman with no hands get for Christmas? Doctor: "Denephew.". With any luck, right after he finishes college. Pregnancy women crave all kinds of things. My grandma has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the zoo. We havent even slept, have we? Some Native Americans are alcoholics. Try to remember funny jokes you've never heard to tell your friends and will make you laugh. Fishing and girlfriends are exactly alike, there may be plenty of fish in the sea, but until I find one, Im stuck here holding my rod. There are also pregnant puns for kids, 5 year olds, boys and girls. Ans: Im never having kids, they take 9 months to download!. Questioning her career choices, a 40-year old health care worker who treated pregnant women bough a bright red convertible and skipped town. Whats the proper punctuation for a negative pregnancy test? Ans: It means that the babys mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse. "Did you jus" They say theres a person capable of murder in every friendship group. "Your brother named them." Leave us a comment below! What do you want? Disappear on Friday and return on Sunday. Not only is death frightfully boring, but its also the last thing you do with your life. 35. Dark humor can be quite funny. It's called the Plaguestation 5. Heres What You Should Know, 9 Best Pairs Of Maternity Underwear 2021: Over Belly, Under Belly & Itch Free, 30+ Relatable Nurse Jokes To Get You Through Your Next Shift, 60+ Knock Knock Jokes So Funny Theyll Knock You Over. What about my son?" Megha is the heart of funnyjokestoday.com - When waking up in the morning, her first thought always is how to create a smile on someone's face before breakfast. 18. What did the Titanic say as it sank? But he's an idiot! Maternity leave would last for two years with full pay, and morning sickness would rank as the nations number one health problem. Trivia Questions Yours? I gave her a loaf of bread and left her in the forest. Humor is, was, and always will be subjective. Each one is guaranteed to offend and entertain in equal measure. Barbu Vacarescu 164A, Cladirea C1, 020285, Bucharest. They made for devilishly uncomfortable reading. So crack open a couple of these dark humor jokes and just watch as people you would never have expected to smirk start to giggle without remorse. 99. The doctor gave me some cream for my skin rash. 55. I should not be allowed to operate heavy equipment, including iPhones. Olivia Wilde, I had this thing for Entenmanns chocolate donuts. 26. Peeing on a stick and preserving that stick is the start of the many disgusting things you will do as a mother. What are their names?" dark jokes about pregnancy. My erection has just recovered! There is a black man who listens to racist jokes. "And how many peaches were there in the can?" continues the judge. Theres always someone telling you what to do. I knew it! I dont have a Lamborghini in my garage. The following collection of jokes are sure to make people giggle but dont come close to crossing any moral lines.